Rubbena

I have been exploring different creative approaches with freedom to experiment

(maybe making some mistakes and having some happy creative accidents!)

The aim of this project was for me to reflect on myself. I have always created projects with the deaf community or with deaf children, and this opportunity allowed me some time to make my own art works that are interpretations of my own journey and experience, because aspects of my experience influence my thinking and creative process.

This project was time devoted to looking at myself, because the last time I did a self portrait was in 2013. The stimulus for that portrait was the difficulty in obtaining a visa for a journey to India because of my Pakistani ethnicity and how, when I got to India, the way people saw me was not how I really am.

This process allowed me to look at the intersectionalities of me - being a Muslim women, mother, wife, British Western working women, my Deaf identity and cultural Pakistani identity. I notice that I have to shift within myself and change my behaviours, but I am automatically identified as that representation of myself.

I have to slip into different roles in society. I cannot just be the artist. The real world requires women to take on leading roles - they must cook, feed, clean, organise, plan, inform, and provide emotional support as well as be mums, working women and behave in a culturally appropriate way. When my family greet me I always have to keep in mind my dress and presentation before I can be an artist. You can’t pretend that all of these identities are not there.

At times I wonder if this perception of me is becoming more important and significant to my identity.

I aimed to capture my reflections on myself in the self-portrait, to portray the challenge of who I am and my cultural identity and its conflict with western views. I was born in Britain, but culturally I am deaf, ethnically I am Pakistani, and these aspects often go unnoticed. The deaf self, within culture, is complex to explain.

So there a series of 4 Paintings.

I noticed that it was not a typical self portrait that I was searching for but a visual representation of me, Rubbena. The movement of the body image clearly told the story without me having to explain it. I felt it was exposing personal information that is never told or shared by me.

I started to see what has been happening in my life and how I felt about the story of my own experience. It is shared with many people that have crossed paths with me.

Muted chair

My chair in my studio. When I sit there I feel muted. The silence in there and calmness allows me to feel my own way of thinking and feeling.

Not Frameless and Frame Free

Then there is Not Frameless and Frame Free, which allow me to freely explore my thoughts, see the energy within myself. The colours are the voice/image of these works.

You can follow my creative journey throughout the year on social media using #Rubbena-Art-Relapse.

With grateful thanks for support from the Art Council England 2022.

Artist Dairy in Film

Artist Relapse Journal (UK) Part 1 (2022)
This is a story about the life of a deaf artist whilst she is working in her studio. Rubbena is sharing her inner thoughts and emotions amidst the struggles of being an artist alongside the process of creating her own self portrait. Being a living artist in society today has many dilemmas. Should artists have these dilemmas?

Rubbena - the Deaf Artist (U.K.) Part 2
This explores how a Deaf artist’s video has it challenges when working out ways to share the studio experiences. As an artist the technology offers a unique opportunity to capture the artist's feelings, thoughts, pains and exposure this has brought Rubbena. One is forced to interrogate how this has it's own overwhelming pressure on the self. Primarily, is 'she' good enough to be considered, accepted and worthy to be called an artist?

Rubbena - The Timeline (UK) Part 3 (2022)
This explores the artist's complication with timeline. What does one understand about the vision and the challenges of being an artist when one is stuck and how might this make one feel. How does one envisage the struggle but persevere.

Rubbena shares how the timeline of the artist work in progress can impact on her own emotional well-being. The burden of which can become uncomfortable, an arduous task in finding that path of acceptance as an artist and navigating the distractions within the timeline. Could this be considered as a healthy approach whilst working almost simultaneously with the other paintings?

These films funded by Art Council England (2022)